The Pressure to Be Likeable: How Women Learn to Shrink Themselves

Most of us want to be liked. We want to feel accepted by the people around us and there is nothing wrong with that.

But for many women, being liked can become something more than simply wanting to have good relationships. It can become a quiet pressure to be agreeable, accommodating and easy to be around even when it comes at a cost to themselves.

It can look quite ordinary from the outside. You say yes when you really want to say no. You apologise even when you haven't done anything wrong. You avoid bringing something up because you don't want to make things uncomfortable. You think carefully about how someone might react before saying what you actually think. You might even find yourself changing the way you speak or expressing an opinion differently depending on who you are with.

Over time, this can become so automatic that you don't always realise you're doing it.

Why do women tend to experience this more?

There are of course individual differences and men can struggle with people-pleasing too but research has consistently found differences in the social expectations placed on men and women, particularly around relationships, emotional expression and agreeableness.

Girls are often encouraged from a young age to be helpful, polite, considerate and aware of other people's feelings. Boys are more often given greater freedom to be assertive, independent and direct.These expectations don't have to be explicitly taught. Children pick them up from the people around them, from family dynamics, friendships, school and the wider culture.

There can also be a different social cost to being assertive. A man who is direct may be described as confident or decisive, while a woman behaving in exactly the same way may be perceived as difficult, aggressive or unfriendly. Women can therefore learn to soften themselves without consciously deciding to do so. They may smile when they are uncomfortable, soften an opinion, apologise before making a request or spend a lot of time considering how something might affect everyone else. This isn't because women are naturally less assertive. It is often because they have learnt, over many years, what happens when they are not.

When being considerate starts to cost you

There is a difference between being considerate of other people and regularly putting their needs ahead of your own. You can take someone's feelings into account without making their feelings your responsibility. You can be kind without agreeing with someone. You can care about disappointing someone without changing your decision and you can say no without having done anything wrong.

For someone who is used to keeping the peace, these things can be much easier to understand intellectually than they are to actually do. You might know that you have every right to say no, but still feel guilty when you do. You might set a boundary and then spend the rest of the day wondering whether you were too harsh. You might finally express how you feel, only to immediately soften it or apologise. This is often where the work becomes less about learning how to say no and more about understanding why saying no feels so difficult in the first place.

The fear of being seen differently

One of the more difficult parts of letting go of people-pleasing is accepting that other people may not always like your choices. If you are used to being the reliable one, the easy-going one or the person who is always willing to help, people may notice when you start doing things differently. Someone may be disappointed. Someone may disagree with you. Someone may even think you're being difficult. That doesn't necessarily mean you've done something wrong. It can simply mean that you are no longer making your decisions based entirely on keeping other people comfortable. This can take some getting used to.

You don't have to become less caring

I think there is sometimes a misconception that becoming more assertive means becoming selfish or uncaring. It doesn't. You can still be thoughtful, generous and considerate. You can still care deeply about the people in your life. The difference is that you begin to include yourself in that consideration.

You start asking yourself questions like:

“What do I actually want?”

“Am I saying yes because I want to or because I am worried about saying no?”

“Am I keeping quiet because there is nothing to say or because I'm afraid of how it will be received?”

“If I knew this person wouldn't be disappointed, what would I choose?”

These questions can be surprisingly revealing.

Becoming more comfortable with yourself

The goal isn't to stop caring what other people think. That isn't realistic and relationships will always matter to us. It is about getting to a point where someone else's disappointment doesn't automatically make you question yourself. You can have an opinion that someone disagrees with. You can change your mind. You can say no. You can ask for what you need. You can take up space and you can do all of this while still being a kind person.

For many women, this is less about becoming a different person and more about becoming more comfortable being themselves because being liked feels good. But it shouldn't have to come at the expense of being able to be honest about who you are.